Monday, October 17, 2011

5 Ways the World Would Be Different Without Twilight

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart, Breaking Dawn Part 1 
What's that you say? There's only four more weeks until the Breaking Dawn premiere?
Well then we better start the countdown. And what better way to prep for only the biggest Bella Swan and Edward Cullen moment (when they do it, duh) than by thinking about what the world would be like if (gasp!) Twilight never existed.
Hold on to your plastic vampire teeth, 'cause here are five ways planet Earth would be different without the Saga:
1. Robsten Who? Can you even imagine? But if Bella and Edward never hooked up on the big screen, Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson may never have started canoodling off screen. They'd just be two hawt T-town actors looking for their big break—and, worse, K.Stew might still be dating Michael Angarano and Rob could've continued his hook ups with, like...Megan Fox? Or would have Nikki Reed have married Rob instead of Paul McDonald? Yikes!
2. Adios, Vampire Obsession! True, Anne Rice hit it big first with Lestat, but, the whole vamp thang got popularly cemented with the less-well-written Twilight books (which sold millions upon millions of copies). Indeed, the current vampire obsession combusted when dreamy Edward Cullen bit his way into cineplexes. Which opened the fang-banger door for the likes of True Blood and The Vampire Diaries. Repeat: we're not saying the Cullens were the first vamps, but they definitely helped make the supernatural suckers a phenom—and we really don't think it would have happened otherwise, sorry.
3. The Hunger Games Fast: If it weren't for Twilight, Jennifer Lawrence would be just another Oscar-nominated, drop-dead gorgeous gal. And neither Josh Hutcherson nor Liam Hemsworth would be likened to the next R.Pattz (or Taylor Lautner for that matter)! The vamptastic saga was, without question, one of the main reasons Hollywood execs bit into the young adult book market—including The Hunger Games, and immediately launched a copycat, multifilm franchise.
4. Twi-Moms No More: Without Twilight, Twi-Moms would just be, well, horny moms at home and in the office! Think of the delivery boys who have been saved, thanks to the fertile, fantasy-escape worlds the Twi books have afforded older gals everywhere! Not to mention their daughters, equally as love-smitten, drooling away incoherently at home! But, as we said, Edward's handsome mug and Jacob's formerly-underage abs gave these more mature fans a way to channel the frustrations of minivans, boardrooms, soccer practices...sexually. And while there are tons of Twihards, some cuckoo and some not, Twi-Moms will always hold a special place in our hearts. It's all so retro-Stiffler!
5. Mormonism Is In! Democrats must hate Mormon authoress Stephenie Meyer just as much as we can't stand her prose! Because, let's get real, it's a fact that Meyer has helped bring her faith more into American pop culture—even though she rarely speaks about her beliefs. She doesn't have to: Bella and Edward and all their endless, moaning chastity do it for her. And admit it: Meyer created one of the most successful pop phenomenon of all time, which probably may even help a candidate such as Mitt Romney to nab the Oval Office. Not to mention Marie Osmond's hip again. Hello? It all goes back to Twilight!



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