Weirdest Twilight merchandise

Jacob Barbie

As a large portion of the Twilight fan base consists of young girls, a toy line with Mattel makes perfect sense and on the surface, it all looks completely innocent. But that unravels the moment eyes are cast on the Jacob doll with his denim hotpants and ripped abs. Admittedly Taylor Lautner spends more time finding excuses to take his shirt off than conveying actual emotion but that doesn't make it acceptable to sell a Barbie doll of a man with abs you could grate cheese off of to little girls. Not only is it plain weird but it also convinces a generation that physiques like that actually exist, thus setting them up for a lifetime of disappointment. Oh Mattel, you big meanies.

Chocolate

The Spice Girls had their own branded chocolate, crisps and lollipops in the old days known as the 90s so celeb-endorsed sweets are nothing new, but even the brightest marketing mind would be hard pressed to find a genuine connection between New Moon and Godiva chocolate. Is it Edward's favourite brand? Does Bella bite her lip so much because she's peckish for some chocolatey goodness but doesn't want the calories? Maybe Jacob works out so much because he stuffs his bland face with sweets everyday? Who knows, but the "Are You Hungry For More?" tagline across the packet should be blamed for the worldwide obesity crisis, or at least for being a bit rubbish.

'License To Bite' Card

Since James Bond has a license to kill it's only fair that the resident vamps of Forks, Washington get a license to bite, right? Well no, actually. Not only does it look like a botched 10 minute Photoshop job that's been laminated to look mildly official but it's also completely useless. It's not a toy or something you'd use for any reason whatsoever and will probably end up languishing in the wallets of Twi-hards the world over next to their Boots points card. Or even worse, as an awful excuse invoked by weirdos when a police officer asks them why they just bit a complete stranger.

Plasters

What's a girl/boy/grown-up-who-should-know-better to do when bitten by a person wielding aTwilight 'License To Bite' card and blood starts slowly trickling down their neck? Why they'd reach for their bfficial branded Twilight plasters, that's what! Somewhere across the globe amongst the Mr Men and Spongebob Squarepants plasters designed to make children feel better after grazing their knee in the playground, sits a tin containing plasters adorned with the faces of R-Patz, K-Stew and T-Laut. Why anyone would want to have those faces temporarily attached to their skin instead of the more aesthetically pleasing option of a gaping flesh wound is a mystery.

Edward wall sticker

Multiplexes everywhere are put on high alert when a new Twilight film is released because the fans are known for ripping cardboard displays to shreds before brazenly walking out with their favourite character nestling under their arm. But thankfully, there's no need to commit petty theft for the chance to have Edward in your bedroom because now you can actually purchase a life-size silhouette of Mr Cullen and stick it on your wall for those lonely nights at home. Or at least when you feel like having the beejesus frightened out of you when you mistake it for an actual man lurking in the shadows.

Bella Swan Bra

Call us cynical but a good bit of ladies lingerie needs more than a movie tie-in and a dodgy motif glued to the centre of it, but that didn't stop these purveyors of taste from conjuring up this shameless bit of tat. It was marketed as a sexy item for the Twi-hard in every lady when in fact it's just a poorly constructed over the shoulder boulder holder from a discount shop with a silver-ish bit in the middle. Love Bella Swan? Wear her underwear that doubles as a very effective man repellent.

Shower Curtain

Just when you thought Robert Pattinson's permanent presence in a bedroom thanks to a Pritt Stick and badly cut silhouette on the wall was bad enough, how about having his dead eyes staring at you when showering and visiting the loo as well? Most would rather do their business outside against a telephone pole then be stared at but apparently Mr Pattinson's appeal has such an effect on the ladies that they'd willingly purchase such a frightening piece of memorabilia.

Condoms

One of the most popular Edward Cullen quotes is the simple and effective "Be safe" to his unrequited love in the hope that she'll go unharmed among the creatures lurking around her hometown. Sweet, no? Of course it is, but we don't think that quote was intended to inspire a line of Twilight condoms for the series' young fans and its mere existence is all sorts of wrong. Of course anything that protects young people from the perils of unprotected fun between the sheets is a good thing but we wouldn't recommend putting your health and sensitive bits in the hands of some clearly rubbish rubbers.

Edward Cullen man-pillow

The obsessive Twi-hard is second only to middle-aged spinsters with tens of cats when it comes to being labelled as sad and lonely and this (fan created) bit of merchandise does nothing but reinforce the stereotype. Pillows with arms constructed to give the allusion of sleeping in the warm comfort of a man's "nook" have long been sold alongside Slankets and ab definers on shopping television but one fan took it to the next level of sad by sewing what is supposed to be Robert Pattinson's face on it so his legions of fans can pretend to fall asleep in his arms every night. Can't someone create something that'll encourage them to go outside and mingle with actual human beings?

Edward Cullen Knickers/R-Pantz

A lot of the merchandise teeters between 'laughably rubbish' and 'somewhat wrong' but these "R-Pantz" take inappropriateness to the next level of shuddering awfulness. The sweets, the bra and the bedroom décor pale in comparison to these knickers aimed at the young fans and the wholly misguided. Plastering Robert Pattinson's face across the bums and more intimate lady parts is one thing, but whoever decided to print his mouth and signature on the inside section (the 'gusset') needs to answer to social services and the police immediately.

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xoxo
Carrie